


let our hearts burn into ash

by dani5151



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2016-03-08
Packaged: 2018-05-24 19:47:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6164620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dani5151/pseuds/dani5151
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>post 3x07 Clarke stopped Jaha, insisted for an answer, "Can you see her from the other side? .... can i join you all?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i can't believe the series did this to us.. until now my eye brows still couldn't relax, the only words come out from my mouth is "NO..No..no.......no.........NOOOOOO........." :'( :'( :'(
> 
> But this is how this drama is so awesome to watch..
> 
> I'm here to warn you before you read this.. expecting the worst.. then hate me in the end.. don't blame the series..

It has been one whole week that Clarke locked herself in the room. She talked, she eate, she walked out from the room and all, she is there but also not there. When Abby entered her daughter's room, she doesn't look up either, focusing only in her drawing. In fact, the whole ground surface in the room is covered by the drawings. There are drawing of tattoos, Lexa' tattoos; faces, Lexa's sweet smiling face, angry face, confused face, fighting form, sleeping forming etc. but everything in black, black like "her" blood. 

"Clarke, later can you come to the clinic, you shouldn't stay at room all day", Abby ask with her eyes full with concern, "alright, mom", but Clarke never look up, no eye contact. Abby has been visiting her daughter a lot since she come back safely, she is worry about Clarke, worry that her depression will getting worse. So she made Clarke sit in the clinic, even though she is just sitting there, the mind yet again not there, she still hope that one day her daughter will come back to them. Abby keep talking to her, telling her the recent events that happened in and outside the camp. Pike had been executed, so the army of 12 clans left in peace too. The new commander promised to keep the coalition with them, she also keep complaining about the Jaha's gang. talking about the side effects of the new treatment from city of light. Telling her about how strange those people acting or gathering around and meditating. She also talked about Kane being the new chancellor, yet getting no reaction at all. Abby knows she can hear her, but is she listening? 

...

This afternoon, one of Abby's patient pass away. the strange thing is, Jaha is there, the patient's wife is there, but they don't look sad at all, the wife only holding her husband face, whispering "may we meet again at the other side" with the smile still lingering around the corner of her lips. "Don't be afraid, we will see you at the other side" Jaha say. Then the husband finally end his last breath. Abby is so regretting asking Clarke to stay at clinic today, she don't want her daughter to witness another death. When she try to ask CLarke to go somewhere else to avoid the scene. But then she found Clarke staring at the back of Jaha, she saw the blank or maybe shock face in Clarke. 

Clarke never pay attention to anyone since "her" death, and today, she still being the same, even when the patient is dying. But something caught her attention. Finally. It is not a thing, but rather a sentence that come out from Jaha. "Don't be afraid" "Don't be afraid." Le..Lexa said it too, when she was so hurt and losing so much blood. "Don't be afraid." the distant sound of Lexa keep on repeating in her mind. But she still sitting there, still and blank. But inside her brain, she is replaying all the moment she is with Lexa. Her heart is once again shattered in to million pieces.

...

After the dinner, Clarke pay no attention to the surrounding, just trying to get back to her room as soon as possible, to be surrounded by Lexa again, the drawings of Lexa. But then she is almost tripped by the person sitting on the ground, meditating. The scene hit her, she saw Lexa did this before, Lexa had the same satisfied smile while she reopened her eye from meditation. It is Jaha that rise from the ground, his followers as well "Sorry, Sir" is all she say. "Don't be, Clarke", then Jaha is about to turn and leave with his members, but is stopped by a hand grasping around his arm. "Wait, Jaha, the thing you were doing just now, is that what bring you to the other side?" "Yes" She then found the wife who just lost her husband this afternoon, "Did you meet your husband there?" "Yes, He is happier there, actually we all are" she reply enthusiastically. Now this kick start the long-not-functioning brain of Clarke. "If i join you, will i be able to see the death too? like .. like.. Lexa?" "Lexa? the ex commander of the grounders? Yes, I encountered her a few time in there (col) actually. And she is hot." a young man answered. a moment of silent, then they are leaving, "Can I join you all?" Clarke ask abruptly, then Jaha reply her "Of course! But too bad your mom took all the pills away, i will find you when I get back the pills" He smile genuinely. "oh...okay...thanks.." 

...

Later, Clarke is not in her room, it is weird because normally (this whole week) Abby will always find her in her room. She asked around too see if anybody see Clarke or know where she is. Until Abby go back to her own room, her room is in a mess. everything falls out from the original place, she thought someone is stealing things from her room, she immediately rush to where she hide the pills from Jaha, it is not there anymore. Then she found Clarke, sitting at the side of hre bed, meditating, like the others did. "Oh hell no.." she rush to Clarke and see the whole bag of Jaha's pills beside her daughter. "Clarke! tell me you didn't take this, Clarke!". Then she reopened her eyes, with the same strangely satisfied smile, "Mom, it is okay, everything is find, you should trust this" it is the first time she saw her daughter smile so happily since she came back, but it is wrong, everything is wrong with the pills, she remember the side effect, it is the most painful memory and most important person you are going to forget. "Clarke, listen to me, do you remember Jack Griffin?" immediatwly go into doctor mode, she put her hand on both of Clarke's shoulders. "Mom, you are acting weird, of course i know daddy's name, and i just met him at the other side, maybe next time you should join us too, then we can have a family day" she suggest it like a child looking forward to her birthday party. "Okay, so do you remember Finn?" Abby relax just a centimetre, as least she still remember her dad, "Mom, why are you asking this? Are you okay?" "just answer me!", she urged. "Yes, i remember, until his last breath.. maybe next time i should apologize to him, don't know where he is staying at there.." she is think hard, like she is searching the imaginary map. At last Abby asked her last question, "Do you remember Lexa?" she say it slowly, carefully with each word, worry that will send her daughter back to the shock stage. "Who is Lexa?" Clarke ask like it is the first time she hear the name.. Abby let out a long, shaking sigh.. don't know how to continue. She ask again, "Mom~ who is Lexa? why are you crying?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More pain to come, the harder the pain hit us, the stronger the memory of Clexa. may we remember them forever.

One year later..

 

Today in last year, was the day the commander spirit chose the new commander, Aden, as known as the day that the previous commander had fallen. Indra is not celebrating with the other grounders in the capital. But, instead, she is sitting in Arkadia, drinking the drinks that sky people called it moonshine with Lincoln. Throwback to the day she received the news of Lexa's death, the commander that she served the longest, the young lady she saw her struggled so much to bring today's peace. Yet, she couldn't see it herself. Ice nation is no longer causing problem under the lead of King Roan, Sky people is quiet after they realize how wrong Pike had lead them into, and the death of Pike end the war between skykru ad the other 12 clans. No more war, no more blood. Commander Aden is pushing new law for the coalition, blood will not have blood. Everything is perfect, only Indra's heart couldn't cease the pain, especially when she saw Clarke, having fun with Bellamy, Octavia, Monty, Jasper, Raven etc. Nothing is wrong with a bunch of teenagers having fun, but she felt sorry for Lexa, because the person she care so much does not remember Lexa, does not know Lexa ever exist, Clarke only know that there was someone, AKA the last commander brought them the peace that they are enjoying now.

 

The pills from Jaha giving them peace and perfect future, but currently, the pills is a bit useless now, because people are satisfied with the peace in the real world that they are sharing now. Everyone is happy and enjoying life, what were destroyed, now they rebuild, houses, schools, clinics, farms...etc. Therefore there are less people doing meditations nowadays, including Clarke. Especially after one time that she was waken up by Bellamy because she was crying, the tears all pooling at her chin, when she woke up, she couldn't remember what happened in there, only the tears and the aching heart for a week. So Bellamy successfully convinced her not to go back in there. Because he could never go there with her, he know whom he would forget if he took the pill, Octavia. So, no way, Bellamy will never take that pill. 

 

Abby had hidden all the drawing of Lexa in Clarke's room, since her daughter had forgotten, it is better she never remember again, she did not need anything that can remind her of Lexa existence. Abby just wanted her daughter to be happy, she didn't want to see her daughter being in so much pain again, it was torturing. So everyone had agreed to not mention Lexa at all in front of Clarke.

 

...

Indra looking down at the photo she was holding, a photo from mountain man, that there were two young ladies in it, a blonde and a brunette with red circles targeting them. She sighed heavily then brought up the bottle she was holding in other hand, "To Lexa!", Lincoln followed, "To Lexa". At the same, Clarke was pulled towards their direction by her arm that hung over Octavia's shoulder, "Indra, can we borrow the horse just for awhile? " Octavia asked while Clarke was happily observing what Indra and Lincoln were doing, "Return it in an hour, Octavia", Indra wave her hand as approval, oopps, the same hand that holding the photo, Clarke released Octavia shoulder and stepped forward, "Indra, is that a photo of mine?" Of course, she recognized herself in the photo, but she doesn't remember taking one, and who was the person that stood behind? Indra looked up and met the blue eyes, then she decided to let Clarke see the photo, there was something she want to know.

 

Clarke sat on the tree trunk beside Indra, she then noticed the gorgeous brunette, "Who is this girl behind me?" Almost immediately, the pain burned from the bottom of her heart to no end, her eyes sting. "Lexa. The last commander", Indra replied in a low voice. Clarke as if didn't hear her, but used her thumb to caress the brunette, firstly the face then move to the jawline, slowly came to the eyes then she saw H2O dropped on the photo, she didn't stop, she continue to caress the nose then to the lips, as if she could still felt the softness under her thumb. Lastly she caressed the face, her own face, to wipe off the tears, she passed the photo back to the owner. Indra, Lincoln and Octavia observed every single reaction since Clarke took the photo until Clarke stood up and walked away with sorrow in her eyes. Even if she trying to smile and acted strong in front of them, she failed terribly. "Her head may not remember, but her heart do".

 

Once Clarke was alone, she run, run until her eyes blurred, run until her legs hurt, run, run until she is breathless, run until she fell down on the ground of a very high cliff. She cried, cried like a child lost her mother in the hypermarket. Everything hurt, her brain hurt, her heart worse, she keep hitting the ground with her tight fists. "What happened to me? Who is that girl? Why is seeing that girl hurt so much? WHY!?" she went into a kneeling position before the cliff, she screamed, screamed with all of her agony, all of her muscle tensed up, screamed until her lungs burning for air. she wanted to get rid of the pain that burning in her heart. She screamed again until her lungs burst, and again and again, toward the sky, screamed until she collapsed. The pain just couldn't go away. "Lexa..Lexa..." she choked out, before the darkness took her. 

 

...

The next thing she know, she is in her mother's clinic. Octavia and Lincoln found her at where she collapsed and brought the unconscious Clarke back to the camp. It took them hours to come back, apparently she had run about 15KM away from the camp. Octavia swear if it doesn't because Clarke had lost someone important, she would have kicked her off the cliff. Clarke feels the soreness all over her body, her limbs is heavier than ever. She slowly sit up in the bed, no one in the room other than her mom sleeping in a sofa. She search the drawers carefully, found the sleeping pills and took several of it, and then went back to bed and enter to the City of Light. She wants answer. If the pain is since last year is caused by the last commander, Lexa. She will be able to meet this Lexa in COL, because you can meet the death in there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter we gonna see Lexa! Finally!


End file.
